Sun-shine and fog

I'm endlessly fascinated by the way newspapers treat stories, and their headlines.

The Sun is in a league of its own, with a plethora of  memorable offerings, from 'Freddie Starr ate my hamster', 'Headless man found in topless bar' and - my most recent favourite - 'Discrim up North' (referring to an initiative to tackle discrimination of Scousers, Geordies and others living north of Watford).

Headlines, of course, are supposed to illuminate, tease and amuse.  But never obfuscate.  (Now there's a snappy one...)  So what to make of The Guardian's page 15 lead today -  'Planning rules bonfire sparks green belt alert'?

It took several moments, mouthing the words silently, for me to get it.

Or is it just me?

Toting

Google, of course, is American. And, as we know, Americans are very keen on their guns. But it was still a shock, when I started to enter 'best hand...' in Google search, to be immediately offered 'best handgun'.

This prompted a further Google search (I'm addicted to displacement activities) with the statistic that America is the most armed country in the world, with 90 guns per 100 residents (BBC web news 04/06/10).

In the UK it's 5.6.

That's still at least 5 too many for my liking.

Enquire within

'Staff wanted - enquire within'

'Room to let - enquire within'

What makes people revert to such archane language? Street-wise traders with a shrewd take on modern life can't seem to stop themselves reverting to a phrase from the Victorian era when it comes to sticking a notice on a shop window.

What's wrong with 'ask here'?

Back to school

Two weeks before the start of the school summer holidays, Sainsbury's are running a back to school uniform promotion.

It must bring such a lift to teachers' hearts as they do the weekly shop.

Rustlers beware

I've got used to the tired, and probably inaccurate, signs on white vans: "No tools left in this vehicle overnight." And the bizarre, tautological invitation stuck on the back of some security waggons: "Police follow this vehicle."

But the prize for the most surprising, not to say intriguing, goes to this, seen near Glastonbury today: "No ponies are kept in this lorry overnight."

Canvassing opinion

Not making Glastonbury this year, I did the next best thing (well next best after watching it on TV) and cycled to the site the Wednesday after it had finished.  I just wanted a bit of the atmosphere, and to see what was happening.

Experience has taught me that, in the UK (it's quite different in Holland), people on bikes tend to get ignored.  It certainly seems that way on the roads, anyway...  But that was not the case at Pilton.  My arrival within shouting distance of  one of the gates caused a small posse of grim-faced security guards to gather and and eye me warily.  My default position of using humour in such situations ("I've arrived at last - when does the festival start?") caused no more than the slow closing and opening of eyelids.

What were they fearing from a middle aged (I'm being kind to myself) man wobbling about on a bike three days after it had all ended?   I tried to start a conversation, but quickly gave up.  They had clearly all been well-trained at the school of strong and silent.  

What was most noticeable, from my glimpse through the gates and later as I looked back at the site from the other side of the valley, was the huge number of tents that had been left behind.  This trend has been commented on elsewhere, including a piece in Saturday's Guardian ("Forget pitch a tent - now it's ditch a tent" Money section p7 09/07/11).  It reinforces what a middle-class credit-card festival Glastonbury has become.  Those who can afford the tickets, travel costs and the small fortune to keep themselves fed and watered for 4 days (beer at £6 a pint, I was told) can doubtless also afford to view a £14.99 tent from Millets as eminently disposable.

But that's hardly the point.  Where does it leave Glastonbury's efforts to be green?  And who exactly do the abandon campers think is going to be responsible for clearing the debris of thousands of discarded tents, camping mats and cheap folding chairs?

Saturday's Guardian quoted a festival spokesman: "...we need to dispel the myth that overseas aid charities are going to want a load of cheap tents from Asda, because they don't.  And this is not a tent problem - it is a 'life' problem."

Barely believable

My partner is known for many things, including insomnia and a love of cycling. This week she combined the two by giving up attempts to sleep and, at just after 4am, slipping out for a (very) early morning ride.

She drifted along empty roads, the air filled with nothing but bird song. Then, after turning a corner of a particularly isolated lane, she came across a man standing behind his car. She was about to wish him a cheery good morning when she noticed that, apart from a pair of shoes, he was completely naked.

What was he doing? There are several possibilities. We prefer the more innocent explanation - if that term can be applied - that he was seeking to be at one with nature by wandering naked through the nearby woods.

But who knows....?

The insomnia remains, but the early morning bike rides are now off.